Dear Auntie Bletz

I just wanted to write and let you know what I've been doing, as I'm sure it'll make you really proud of me.

Thanks again for sending me to Vogon Guard Training Academy, the months of intense work on how to shout, "Resistance is useless" have really paid off.

Today for instance, I was given the very special job of escorting two prisoners into the airlock, from where they would be sucked into the fatal vacuum of space (you might recall I learnt a lot about that in my second term at the academy, when I mistakenly pulled what I thought was the flush and my best friend Splartz disappeared down the plughole). Anyway, an odd thing happened as i was walking them to their doom, instead of begging for mercy, which is what prisoners usually do, one of them asked me if I enjoyed what I was doing. I had to think about this a lot as I wasn't familiar with the word 'enjoy'. He wanted to know if stomping and shouting and pushing people out of spaceships gave me a full satisfying life... I thought about this for a while and got really confused... (thinking has always made my head hurt)... I mean, the hours are good... some of the minutes are pretty lousy but I like the shouting and the uniform's 'right on' ... And I really love the low-slung blaster holster. He pointed out that there's a lot of mindless tedium in my job and though I'm not sure what mindless tedium is... This worried me for at least 3 seconds... but you'll be happy to hear auntie that I decided to carry on dragging them to airlock anyway... I usually like to stay and watch their heads explode, especially when there's a nice starfield or gas nebula in the background, it looks really pretty... but orders are orders and I had some special bits of shouting to attend to elsewhere.

Have to go now auntie as the commander wants his crushed jewelled crabs scraped off. Hope your gobblewarts are clearing up and all's well on Vogshphere.


Bob (Blitz)